One night I had an anxiety attack that lasted two hours- my hands and lower legs eventually went numb and it felt like I was going to pass out. So I had my doubts about the marriage.
But one day we had our regular grand old time together- dinner with his family, stopping for ice cream on the way, hitting the sack before he left for work; and 14 hours later I was on the road bound for New Jersey with only the essentials - which definitely includes my two cats.
From engaged and living together, to strangers. I expect it to feel odd. It does.
I miss sitting between his legs on the floor while we watched movies and he rubbed my hair. He found a way to quiet my Tourettes and he'd pause his sleep to rub my lower belly until I relaxed. No one else ever found a way to do that.
I miss the little things... isn't that what happens always?
In pop rock style Peter Cetera landed it- "Leaving your memory behind me, hoping that nothing reminds me, praying that I can forget." Okay, not healthy, but sometimes it helps me look ahead when I can't seem to stop craning my neck to stare behind.
Won't I ever get this relationship thing right?
I say I am no good for men, I should spare them from me. But I don't.
When I was 21 and visiting my cousin she took me on a baby sitting job with her. The mother was a woman whose husband was unable to handle the responsibility of two young children, and he split. That isn't the good part.
The good part, the part I've been chasing, is the relationship they had before he left. They were best friends, buddie, comrades. They were deeply in love pals.
The photographs were evidence to the tale. That's what I have been after.
And I think it might have found me.