cast iron dreams

The effect on me of my boyfriend asking my preference in engagement rings last week manifested itself in my desire to make him breakfast last Saturday morning. Suddenly I wished for bread worthy of French Toast (no Freedom Toast shall be made in this home!) and eggs... and a stove. (I do have a two burner counter top unit, and most of my pans rescued from storage, including the pull-my-shoulder-from-the-socket if I have to hold it for longer than 3 seconds cast-iron pan I nearly laid over my ex-fiance's head when he gave it to me on our third Christmas instead of the engagement he'd for 14 months lied about saving money for)

So why the Betty Crocker dreams? I have not in 16 months of courtship cooked for this man. Honestly with school on top of work since last October I have been too busy to cook for myself other than the occasional cheap whole chicken tossed into a pot of seasoned boiling water.

Growing up I aspired to be a horse trainer, or a published writer, or an editor or a farmer- these things would do. What I wanted most to be was a house wife, now labeled a ***SAHM***. I was reading Hints From Heloise and Erma Bombeck, Good Housekeeping and Parents magazine by age 12. I wanted to cook and clean and be pregnant, swear to God. It was all planned out- married by 23, four kids by 30.
(someone is bound to be offended- but see, I was an only child until age 6, and my mom was a SAHM until I was nearly 16)

Except I can't carry a baby, and here I am at 33 still single. And I still want to be a SAHM.

So what happens often is that I wander off to play with the little kids at family parties, and I want to wash your dishes when I come over, and when I am home very much or especially when I co-habitate, I want to clean and decorate, sew and run errands, make the sink faucets sparkle, garden and paint, cook a wholesome dinner every night and send my significant other off to work with natural peanut butter and jelly on whole grain bread.

And I am extraordinarily fascinated by and drawn to pregnant mammals.

*** No I don't think it is easy to be a SAHM, and as I seep deeper into thirties and watch my peers parent I wonder if I could do it all. Keeping an entire household running and being responsible, at the bare minimum, for raising a human being to reach his or her greatest potential? Now that's some serious stuff. ***