And in the end, after the cleansing cries and the soul searching, the heart to heart talks, the hypothetical circumstances reassured to the maximum, I did not fly to Washington because:
because I realized while emailing my emergency contact list that I have many friends who have proved they would drop everything and find a way to rescue me anywhere, any time.
because I hadn't even left for the airport yet and friends, family, and coworkers are already worrying about my traveling, about my safety in Washington, about my return; a coworker who has known me only six months said,"You have my number; if anything happens, anything at all, call me and I will figure out something."
because my friends and family welcomed my emotionally shocked self back from Maine open armed, cleaned me up, set me back on my feet, and never uttered one peep about the inconveniences I know were caused by my return and by me cancelling my wedding three months before the date.
because they have held my hand, taken my every distraught phone call, waded through my suicidal thoughts in late spring and my withdrawl from them all summer to contemplate executing said thoughts, and still drove 1 to 3 hours to celebrate my birthday with me.
because even though they were all worried about me flying to Washington, they still offered their support wanting me to be happy.
because it would be extremely selfish of me to cause them more worry, or to consider moving far away on them again the same year I ran home to them;
and I feel happily responsible about that.
It is 3AM and I have some unpacking to do. Maybe even sleep.