Monday, November 27, 2006

Psst: I'm Insane

(AKA Giving myself headaches again, AKA Neal was right; if I don't change how I am, I will be alone forever; AKA Why is this shit so hard for me to do and why does it keep getting harder every time?)

It should be a simple decision: fly to WA or don't.
A. I promised to go and it isn't acceptable to break plans.
B. It would be great to meet this person I've been speaking with for two months.

For lots of people this decision would be simple.
For me, every single romantic decision any more leaves me feeling twisted and nauseous and wondering if I am truly mentally ill.

For me, the decision has become:
A. It isn't nice to break plans.
a. He will be disappointed but will understand.
1. I will still berate myself for being an evil, no good, down and dirty dog for cancelling plans.
B. I don't want to lead him on.
b. He has been forewarned.
1. I will have a very difficult time following through if I want to walk away after seeing him.
C. I am afraid to fly so far away.
c. People fly on planes every day.
1. Is it my gut telling me not to fly or am I just being a wuss?
2. I used to be so adventurous, now I'm a stick in the mud.
3. I could use an adventure and some new sights.
4 I have plenty to take care of here like finding a second job, getting back in shape, getting some groceries in the cupboard come pay day.
5. I feel guilty leaving my cats for several days (oh boy-)
D. I have a friend in the army who is now in the ICU in Germany and if he comes back to the states I want/ need to be here. (he has strongly expressed his need for my current support.
d. He has let me down in the past, but I've let him down too.
1. In the end I'd rather be here for him now and risk being without later, than not be there for him so I can get something for me now.
2. I would want and need to check for email from him while visiting in WA and that doesn't seem fair to WA.
E. I still hurt for leaving my ex- I still miss him.
e. The pain is gradually less and less and it is harder to get to now and much less violent, really not violent at all anymore, when I get there; but deep down I still actively hurt.

F. I think I need a glass of wine and a therapeutic SCREAM.



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