Sunday, May 28, 2006


I peeked over a shoulder last week to read "Never make someone else your priority when they are making you their option." Maybe the time has come after all to stop reining in my own momentum- let myself go forward full throttle down a new path.
I have my own plans now. I want to finance a newer car- my old girl's eleven and she's stood strong through the 70k miles we've logged together but under my pedal leg she's telling me retirement or plastic surgery and a car-diologist are due. I am thinking retirement for her. Besides, financing a car would help improve my steadily improving credit- which would help me get approval for a mortgage next fall.
I would like to apply for adoption by 35, or in three years. I would like to adopt domestically and I would like a newborn, at least for the first child. I know there are needing children of all ages all over the world but this is the truth of what I want to experience at least once. International adoption is impractical for my life as it is now and will likely be in three years, and I've dreamed for decades of burping and bouncing and diaper changing, getting up all night long-rocking and snuggling and wiping up spit-up- teeny undershirts and tinier socks- pacifiers and sterilized bottles, crib sheets and teething rings- baths in the sink and food thrown at the dog. I love the sweet smell of Desitin and a warm munchkin falling asleep in the crook of my arm or snuggled into my shoulder.
I fell in love with babies at the age of three, and never fell out.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

and she was...

Yesterday I got it.
During a mutual hug with the wife (wondeful, wonderful, kind, sweet, and beautiful- I am so happy for him and thankful to her) of an old friend, and older ex-boyfriend who has had double his share of trips around the block and hard knocks- I got why men like to hold us so much.
She was warm, and soft, and smelled so nice- gentle as new apple blossoms on your nose.
I wonder if it is anything like this to hug me.

Waking up from Harold

In a gentle place, his face in my neck, in my hair, warm breath, lips dusting and taking... falling inside his arms, so safe and loved, and home. I would have stayed in that dream all weekend. Instead I'll carry it with me all day and softly, happily long for the real thing.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A pig and a popsicle

I actually created a personality profile on the GenX personals web site! Only I haven't paid a red cent so I can't check any of my incoming 'flirts'. Or see if the person I flirted with has flirted back! I mostly did it out of curiousity. Like trying a new brand of popsicle.
(Now I want a popsicle.)
All I want right now is someone to play with outside! Go for a bike ride, take a hard walk, kyack with me. And TALK! Talking would be fun.
Sex? Hmm. I didn't really like it until my early twenties. Around the same time I finally learned a guy could fool around with me without it meaning anything emotionally to him. I thought that's what it was about!
Now that I've had two serious loves, and lots of emotional sex, part of me wants none! (this little piggy cried wee-wee-wee all the way home, and this little piggy had none).
Even though I had an illicit dream about a certain ex last night and felt everything.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Good News

I have relocated the source of gluteal globularity! sometimes one has to make up a word of one's own.
Bicycling! Oh there is hope for a quarter-bouncable, do-my-panties-proud butt in my future!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

clearing the dust

When I get all wound up emotionally I'm almost manic spinning my legs like the roadrunner and kicking up so much -mental- dust that I don't even know what's going on inside me any more until my feet catch a hold and I can break free of the cloud.
Last night lying in bed on my back before sleep, before evening prayers, I felt the difference between Nate and I. I asked too much of him emotionally. He is a wonderful man. His heart is true and boundless. But he is very- direct. I don't need jewels or cars or cruises, but I am very needy with the mush. I drove him nuts being needy. He drove me nuts being stoic. And it wasn't all that bad on either of our parts. But it was enough. Just enough.
I am able to miss my home and my life with Nate in small bites now without intense discomfort. I miss the sunlight in the morning kitchen, my falling asleep spot in our bed with the kitties fighting over my legs, how his body felt and smelled crawling into mine and with each hug- smooth and warm and sweet. I remember holding the hands I see in his pictures, and wish I had one of his handsome, sexy, very masculine feet. (a picture, not a foot!)
As for Harold, I have finally eased my mind by speaking my heart to say that I need to speak my heart but am choosing to wait for a better time. And I now will myself to take a needed step away. Too much going on here- lot of intense old and new feelings. Plus the friendship rock strong somewhere in the center standing solid while all else whirls around.
The single people around me are hooking back up with the potential 'One' s left behind years ago. It gives me more hope that Harold and I could find our way back together.
I can't walk away from something so strong after so many years. But I am stepping away from something so simultaneously delicate before I step wrong and knock all the coagulating pieces into oblivion. Let it form and settle more then come see what was created.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Close your eyes then bite

I had just sunk my teeth into the meat when my cheek was bombarded by something soft and wet. That's a good cream doughnut.

I'm just wild about Harold

I had to sit on myself yesterday and wound up at the inlet at 10PM singing my little off-tune voice out behind closed (but unfortunately for the public not sound-proof) windows. I want to give Harold space and quiet and support and time because he is going through a very difficult relationship decision of his own.
Then there's this half new/ half revived part of me in sweet agony- queasy and lightheaded, scared and giddy, unable to sit still, wanting to plop on his door step to meet him with the morning sun and tell him, ala When Harry Met Sally New Year's Eve party style, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am still in love with him, AND I am falling in love with him all over again.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

unreliable sanity

I am no longer hysterical. I did not cry once yesterday. I even fell asleep without hopeless arms. And without Tylenol PM.
I would like to try Tae Kwon Do again. I'm rather flexible and it was fun, and challenging, learning to use my body in different ways. My initial experience, in Farmington, ME, was with students who were like family to each other. Maybe it is always that way; after all, you trust one another with the safety of your bodies. Go ahead, give it your best- I know you won't hurt me. And with support- you can do it, you're doing great, one more time-take my turn, here try this... .
I worked muscles in my legs I've worked no where else. Learning how to effectively punch, sensing my technique and strength improving, is empowering and invigorating.
Each time I did a take down I hoped to the heavens I was doing it correctly and wasn't hurting my partner. Every time I was thrown I couldn't help laughing a little- flying through the air felt so silly!
I'm 5 ft and 110 wet- my fiance was 6ft+, 270 and very strong- I loved it when he'd scoop me up, flip me around, toss me about at home. As long as I relaxed and trusted he'd never drop me, and he never even 'almost'- it was wonderously fun!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Wouldn't it be a kicker....

Wouldn't it be a kicker if that was normal cold feet for me because with the Tourette's my body physiologically and diagnostically handles stress ineffeciently;
and what if all the intensity of the homesickness was because I was engaged so far from my family, and would have dissipated after the wedding?

To steal, as I often do, from a song:
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in, cause we'll never know
What might've been.

I wouldn't trade one memory, cause you mean too much to me,
Even though I lost you (girl),
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.


Clusterf*%k. When I was 18 (long ago when my butt was firm and round) a new friend said this word and I had no idea what he was talking about. Now I know. Not only do I know what it means, I know how to make one.
In the weeks before leaving my fiance I was up and down and three times around why and why not, couldn't tell my head from my gut from my heart from my gravitationally pulled ass.
I left one morning while he slept because I was freaking out, I didn't want to put him through that any more, I didn't want to inconvenience 180 wedding guests if I decided to cancel after the invitations went out, and I knew if I waited until he woke up and was standing afore me I wouldn't want to leave.
Clue hammer(Jay's term) hitting head- foot kicking ass......
Maybe that was my heart- maybe that not being able to leave, that wanting to stay because I loved him, was my heart saying.........STAY!!!!!!!!
And after I left apparently I had a window of a few days in which he would have taken me back. Well, I didn't know that and I was too numb and shocked myself the first two weeks to know much of anything. It took me weeks to settle down, get my priorities straightened out, figure out that I wish I hadn't left. But it's too late.
He doesn't trust me anymore, and my chances to earn that trust back are gone. Done.
And now I can't believe how all that tenderness, love, joy has gone from I love you honey, how was your day, let me rub your feet, fix you dinner, go out and buy you pencils and a sharpener for your math class (typical sweet and thoughtful Nate) to ........ I forgot my toaster. The End.
This sucks.
Nate, I love you. I miss you. I miss putting on your music just right when you were sleeping unsoundly, rubbing your shoulder when you were stirring in a bad dream, feeling you smell my hair, watching you come home down the driveway in the morning, snuggling on your chest, feeling your body spooning me, sitting on your lap at your parents', riding places in the car with you, saying I love you before you left for work, hearing your stories, sitting at your feet watching movies while you played with my hair, hearing your I love you at the end of a phone call, fixing dinner for you, being there to wish you well on a karate tournament or test and congratulating you at the end, the smell of your pillow, sheets that were ours, playing with you at Irving's, taking walks, tennis courts, Yahtzee, our Tae Kwon Do days before I stopped going, the mornings of Cardio together and getting breakfast after class- the thousand and sixteen special things you did for me and you unconditional love and support.
I miss you and I love you and I am so, so, so sorry. I wish you could know all this and believe. I wish I could go back with what I see now and get us premarital counseling or at least go talk to Father myself. I wish I could get us back.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Fudgesicles make me feel better

Especially six in a row. (i rearranged the garbage in the can to cover up the sticks and wrappers and avoid the' You ate six fudgesicles!' confrontation. )
I hope there's chocolate on my face.
I ate some Oreo's before, too. Doublestuf. Man were the Oreo cravings kickin last night- must've seen a TV plug-
fed some to the dog; he hasn't barfed yet.

Monday, May 01, 2006


I'd gotten tired of seeing my neurosis in print- needed a break. I shouldn't have erased my reader's comments but did in my panic to erase the outbursts I didn't want to see onscreen any more- Afterwards, I owe you an apology for erasing your thoughts, too.
I can't imagine feeling stable again, though my subconscious, and my friends, say stability will return some day. I am caught off guard, but by different things all the time- which means each new thing that upsets me is handled and discarded; dealt with and I move on just a little.
I need to deal with myself, too - what to do with this person who left her fiance. Abruptly.
I remember our date at the movies, five days earlier- grinning with love watching his expressions, lying my leg across his, holding hands- flashing him on the way home, feeling great to put some silliness back in our relationship.
Dinner with his parents and grandparents the very night before- smiling at each other across the table after dinner, touching legs and hand-rubbing knees during. We spontaneously stopped for ice cream on the way back to our home, had sweet and good sex before he left for work.
We loved each other. We liked each other. And the next morning when he came home and got into bed and fell asleep- I had no idea in four hours I'd have an anxiety attack and leave.
I miss our dates- Just five days earlier, we sat at the movies- Us.
I don't get it. What must he think? (comments welcome!)