I'd gotten tired of seeing my neurosis in print- needed a break. I shouldn't have erased my reader's comments but did in my panic to erase the outbursts I didn't want to see onscreen any more- Afterwards, I owe you an apology for erasing your thoughts, too.
I can't imagine feeling stable again, though my subconscious, and my friends, say stability will return some day. I am caught off guard, but by different things all the time- which means each new thing that upsets me is handled and discarded; dealt with and I move on just a little.
I need to deal with myself, too - what to do with this person who left her fiance. Abruptly.
I remember our date at the movies, five days earlier- grinning with love watching his expressions, lying my leg across his, holding hands- flashing him on the way home, feeling great to put some silliness back in our relationship.
Dinner with his parents and grandparents the very night before- smiling at each other across the table after dinner, touching legs and hand-rubbing knees during. We spontaneously stopped for ice cream on the way back to our home, had sweet and good sex before he left for work.
We loved each other. We liked each other. And the next morning when he came home and got into bed and fell asleep- I had no idea in four hours I'd have an anxiety attack and leave.
I miss our dates- Just five days earlier, we sat at the movies- Us.
I don't get it. What must he think? (comments welcome!)