Wednesday, May 17, 2006

clearing the dust

When I get all wound up emotionally I'm almost manic spinning my legs like the roadrunner and kicking up so much -mental- dust that I don't even know what's going on inside me any more until my feet catch a hold and I can break free of the cloud.
Last night lying in bed on my back before sleep, before evening prayers, I felt the difference between Nate and I. I asked too much of him emotionally. He is a wonderful man. His heart is true and boundless. But he is very- direct. I don't need jewels or cars or cruises, but I am very needy with the mush. I drove him nuts being needy. He drove me nuts being stoic. And it wasn't all that bad on either of our parts. But it was enough. Just enough.
I am able to miss my home and my life with Nate in small bites now without intense discomfort. I miss the sunlight in the morning kitchen, my falling asleep spot in our bed with the kitties fighting over my legs, how his body felt and smelled crawling into mine and with each hug- smooth and warm and sweet. I remember holding the hands I see in his pictures, and wish I had one of his handsome, sexy, very masculine feet. (a picture, not a foot!)
As for Harold, I have finally eased my mind by speaking my heart to say that I need to speak my heart but am choosing to wait for a better time. And I now will myself to take a needed step away. Too much going on here- lot of intense old and new feelings. Plus the friendship rock strong somewhere in the center standing solid while all else whirls around.
The single people around me are hooking back up with the potential 'One' s left behind years ago. It gives me more hope that Harold and I could find our way back together.
I can't walk away from something so strong after so many years. But I am stepping away from something so simultaneously delicate before I step wrong and knock all the coagulating pieces into oblivion. Let it form and settle more then come see what was created.

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