Monday, May 08, 2006


Clusterf*%k. When I was 18 (long ago when my butt was firm and round) a new friend said this word and I had no idea what he was talking about. Now I know. Not only do I know what it means, I know how to make one.
In the weeks before leaving my fiance I was up and down and three times around why and why not, couldn't tell my head from my gut from my heart from my gravitationally pulled ass.
I left one morning while he slept because I was freaking out, I didn't want to put him through that any more, I didn't want to inconvenience 180 wedding guests if I decided to cancel after the invitations went out, and I knew if I waited until he woke up and was standing afore me I wouldn't want to leave.
Clue hammer(Jay's term) hitting head- foot kicking ass......
Maybe that was my heart- maybe that not being able to leave, that wanting to stay because I loved him, was my heart saying.........STAY!!!!!!!!
And after I left apparently I had a window of a few days in which he would have taken me back. Well, I didn't know that and I was too numb and shocked myself the first two weeks to know much of anything. It took me weeks to settle down, get my priorities straightened out, figure out that I wish I hadn't left. But it's too late.
He doesn't trust me anymore, and my chances to earn that trust back are gone. Done.
And now I can't believe how all that tenderness, love, joy has gone from I love you honey, how was your day, let me rub your feet, fix you dinner, go out and buy you pencils and a sharpener for your math class (typical sweet and thoughtful Nate) to ........ I forgot my toaster. The End.
This sucks.
Nate, I love you. I miss you. I miss putting on your music just right when you were sleeping unsoundly, rubbing your shoulder when you were stirring in a bad dream, feeling you smell my hair, watching you come home down the driveway in the morning, snuggling on your chest, feeling your body spooning me, sitting on your lap at your parents', riding places in the car with you, saying I love you before you left for work, hearing your stories, sitting at your feet watching movies while you played with my hair, hearing your I love you at the end of a phone call, fixing dinner for you, being there to wish you well on a karate tournament or test and congratulating you at the end, the smell of your pillow, sheets that were ours, playing with you at Irving's, taking walks, tennis courts, Yahtzee, our Tae Kwon Do days before I stopped going, the mornings of Cardio together and getting breakfast after class- the thousand and sixteen special things you did for me and you unconditional love and support.
I miss you and I love you and I am so, so, so sorry. I wish you could know all this and believe. I wish I could go back with what I see now and get us premarital counseling or at least go talk to Father myself. I wish I could get us back.