Saturday, April 15, 2006

what to do with it

I have been standing strong for two days on those words, the words that crumpled me, words of finality and untold feelings- I have nothing to say to you.
Doesn't that reinforce how hard it was for us to communicate? I ask myself. I left him three months before our wedding, and he has no comment. He loved me deeply, but he keeps so much inside- especially the problems.
Tonight I picked up the necklace he made for just me, his second attempt at crocheting during a quiet spell on his night-shift job ( the first attempt gave me a bracelet). I examine every weave, picture his fingers making them, and want deeply to call and hear his voice. I love the $200 earrings- both pairs- and $300 matching pendant he gave me, and I appreciate them; but I am in love with the bracelet and the necklace. His hands. Made them. For me.
I linger a while, on the tide line of remorse.
Then tell myself, Enough. I think.
When does enough become Too Much? What if it is Too Little?
Look ahead, I say. To what?
To your life! your whole life.
but it is spinning around my head in pieces.

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