Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The best years of your life

I went ahead and subscribed to classmates.com.
The best years of your life. The adults that say this are the adults who were popular. The kids who sat behind you on Mondays jabbering and giggling about the weekend games and parties. I wasn't one of these kids. I was the kid who dreaded lunch room seating day; dreaded wandering the crowded cafeteria hoping some kind soul would take pity on my frightened face and offer me a seat for the year at her table. I was always grateful knowing it was a burden and took some strength to be seen with me.
For that kid, school is awful- one instance after another of swallowing humiliation and biting your lip until the gym taunts- that are somehow both ignored and allowed by the instructor to continue- to be over at the bell so you can withdraw to the mercy of a locker room stall and cry.
Is it possible to ever become a confident adult after being bullied and ostracized for 13 years?
I was told all along to ignore it. Ignore it and they will stop. They only tease because they get a reaction.
My mom regrets this now-wishes she had taught me to fight it off, to stand up for myself.
I'm almost 32 and all of this anger and shame is still inside; a coiled sickness.
I guess I keep hoping some day I will see these people again and they will finally accept me, finally think I am good enough.
I need to stop needing this- I need to finally feel okay with who and what I am. I don't know how to do that.


Anonymous said...

I know the feeling.

Karen said...

Dear Anonymous,
I wish no one in the world ever had to feel that way and there's something fierce that rallies in me now when I see or hear someone else being bullied. Some of the closest friends I've come to have are other people who were picked on. They are all kind, creative, smart, strong people. Something very beautiful either grows or manages to survive under that rain of ugliness. I hope you will, or do, feel better. Karen.

Anonymous said...

Karen, I have so much I want to say to you, however, I'm not the writer you are. If you are half as beautiful on the inside that you are on the outside then you will go far. As you get older you will realize people don't care enough to "mull over" other people. And, if you are the topic of their conversations....well, that means you must be popular!! When someone upsets you, just give them a big smile, stand VERY tall and walk on by!! That will give them something to study about for awhile....and while they are doing that, you are controlling their minds...horray!! you beat them at their own game.
If you get tired of me commenting just tell me and I'll stop.

Thats all for now,

Southern Lady