Monday, May 07, 2007

Stop that train!

I know he never meant it, but in my last relationship with the man I almost married I was very lonely a good deal of the time for the final two years. Before we moved in together there had been instances of emotional neglect- except for the times when he got a rise out of teasing me with affection he didn't intend to give, I know it was just inexperience and ignorance. I was his first girlfriend, after all.
I spent two more years bending myself into pretzels, searching and pleading and changing my work schedule three times even to the tune of six months of insomnia with daytime hallucinations trying to get my emotional self satisfied. By the time he started to try, by the time he started to pay me some direct attention, I had cheated on him, dropped 10 pounds from stress, and had my packing and my escape strategy planned. Leaving meant I would hit rock bottom but the risk of losing my self sufficiency and all the tangibles I had worked for was worth getting away from the pajamas I barely got out of any more and the life I had dropped out of months little by little over the last year.
He had his side of it too, but mine is the one I know by heart.

A woman at work, a fellow nurse, gave an analogy that fits why I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. She said if you don't discuss things when they come up they turn into something you don't recognize and take over and then (you) are like a runaway train.
I was that train yesterday for too long afraid to say I worried about not being all I thought I should be, afraid to ask for what I needed and hurt his feelings, so afraid of potentially being lonely in love again.
It was one of those very terrible afternoons and by the end of it we had reconciled; we were able to sort it out and he was going to let me stay. Thank god, because I was terrified he wouldn't.
Even though all the signs were there, I needed to hear and be sure that he was in love with me and that I was enough for him. I needed to know before I let myself be fully vulnerable. Now I know it's safe to let all my love fall on him.

If it hasn't previously been apparent, I can be a total idiot and my own worst enemy sometimes, but I think sometimes we all can be like that and I am learning from experience to forgive myself because we all accidentally hurt each other, and we forgive.

And after all the emotions we had been through yesterday, we curled up and napped together and slept very, very hard.

1 comment:

N said...

Glad to hear that things are going better!!!

I've been in that position before.... and occasionally revisit it.

Kudos for stopping the runaway train!