Saturday, February 17, 2007

By the skin of my teeth (Almost!)

Oops- I nearly missed a Saturday but here I am gliding in at 11:12 PM, and mostly only because I finally remembered how to log in through Google, and because my boyfriend, whose laptop I am using, left me unattended for a bit so that he could complete some chores.

Attending my cousin's baby shower today set me, as being involved even secondarily in major life events oft does, thinking about the path my life has traveled.

I've suffered my minor share of bumps and bruises, mistakes, and surprises. My mom tells me now and again that I have 'been through so much' in my life. Now, comparatively my life has been a feather bed. I grew up caucasian middle class in the suburbs- the nuclear family (at least until my parents separated with grandiose enmity when I was 15).

The phrase 'biological clock' was an objective part of my vocabulary through childhood, a rite of passage I assumed I would inherit as part and parcel of womanhood. My body is unaware my uterus didn't grow; my hormonal levels and cycles are within normal range for a healthy 32 year old woman. Along comes age 30 and with it an unrelenting biological urge to procreate that coupled with my emotional and conscious desires for pregnancy and motherhood caused frustration and depression. The urge has thankfully relented, and during that last depression I may have finally come to terms with my inability to procreate; rather, I can now be around babies and not once find my joyous heart puddling into tears of grief.
Rather, I can simply enjoy the babes to my heart's content: my friends in Pennsylvania who now have infants and toddlers tease that the babies are the only reason I come to visit and kindly delegate time specifically for Karen to cuddle and play with the little ones. The two hours I was allowed to keep baby K cuddled on my chest at New Year's is an excellent example!

I've oft wished aloud that I had partied and skipped school in my teens when I had the chance, but truly if anything could be changed I would pay more attention in school and thoroughly apply myself, I would visit my grandmother more, I would never drop out of Millersville University a wee three semesters in.

All the same, as Maya Angelou said in a very different light, I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now. And as the magnet on my childhood refridgerator said, "I yam what I yam!"
(did you guess it was molded in the shape of a yam? ;)

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