* (if you get bored reading, at least please skip to the end and consider my question- Thanks! )
Currently I am listening to Peter Murphy's 'Keep Me From Harm', which I would upload and post to share with you if I knew how or even could. So much for that but perhaps you are familiar.
My Harold had the cassette and I would borrow it for night runs when we lived two blocks from the sea in Long Branch. After remembering and missing the music for two years I bought the CD (Wild Birds) used from Amazon.com.
When it plays I recall running beneath the stars on muggy summer nights and returning home to Harold in his studio; I recall lounging in the tub last summer caught between a fiance I left, a wedding I nixed, a future that would surely start some day but wasn't showing yet on the horizon, and being popped back into the dating world at 32; a dating world much different from the one I left behind at age 24.
My life has contained two complete alterations. The first was the rape at age 21 when a change was pushed upon me- my life eclipsed over night beyond my volition.
The second time came leaving Maine and I can't efficiently explain the depth of metamorphosis enabled by that decision. I consistently think I am 34 years old, an age yet 17 months away, and wonder if in this year I aged by two. Well birthday 2007 should be a pleasant surprise when I drop a year instead of adding one.
If I look quantitatively at time gone by(e) I am flabbergasted at the speed- wind whipped and dizzy and slightly disoriented. Have you ever fallen asleep on a car or a plane? Have you ever closed your eyes at the beginning of a trip to open them and find you are nearly arrived? The hours flew by and you slept through it all.
But a qualitative look tells me there were years tucked between the weeks. Peak back at yourself ten years ago and consider every change your mind, body and life has undergone during the past decade. Little lives tucked within.
When I start to feel old, when I can't fathom how I got to my early thirties so quickly, when I am shocked to imagine sixty may come quicker still, I remind myself that hopefully there is still all the lifetime I have had remaining ahead of me .
*In the opinion of my great-grandmother, people never aged beyond 16 at heart- at least that was her love age. I wonder, in the center of your heart, the core of who you are- how old are you?