Sunday, March 25, 2007

The pot of change

Rolling up on my 33rd birth anniversary I wonder if it is too late for me to get off the pot- that is, if I should have gotten off long ago. Maybe- but we each have our individual marinating times and every life and situation, though similar to several others, is individual.
Have you ever heard the same line of advice multiple ways for years but never had it touch you inside until one day you are in a symbiotic emotional place or the words are twisted just right and suddenly it all clenches and you embrace it with understanding?
I got raped eleven years ago. I found out 15 years ago that I don't have a uterus. These two things have ruled my life ever since from being internalized to being burdens promoted to badges. This year has finally become time to let go.
Maybe becoming a wife and a mother are like other circumstances - I can't chase them down. Hot pursuit is like trying to run in socks on ice. I am afraid if I take other paths I will overshoot my chances for marriage and motherhood, but perhaps if I get busy living the rest of my life these things will come my way.
With a little shame I realize not having a uterus has been a crutch for the last 15 years. Now that I know that my thinking can change.

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